Watery Fowls and The Final Curtain

Although the title of this entry may sound like a brand new Harry Potter title it is, in fact a reflection of my present circumstances.

Most of you will be well aware that my intention was to stay in China for a year teaching English but for reasons I won't bore you with here I will be returning after just a modest month in Beijing. Also this way (by not divulging the somewhat boring and uninteresting story behind the reasoning of my return) I will have something to talk to you about when I come home as I seem to have divulged most of my adventures on this very page. Suffice to say my adventure was always a punt (please note above) and even though it didn't go quite to plan I wouldn't change a moment of it.

So that explains 'The Final Curtain.' As for the Watery Fowls it seems the hostel I am staying in has progressed in to the Torquay of the East. (What ever you do don't mention Tibet!) Now don't get me wrong the maids here work very very hard, it's a 24 hour hostel and they always seem to be pottering around cleaning something but lately they seem to be getting a bit too efficient. This morning whilst in the shower (the left one that doesn't lock and has a reflective ceiling so your showering neighbour -if they so wish- can see all your danglies. Before you say it I haven't looked I just happened to notice when washing my hair. That the ceiling was reflective that is not that I was never mind....). Anyway whilst I was in the shower this morning one of the maids decided to clean it whilst I was still clearly in there and opened the door It was like some reverse Psycho moment where I think I almost scared her to death. After she profusely apologised (well at least I hope she was) I returned to my room where strange things have been happening for the last two mornings. It seems that the 'do not disturb' signs on your door which are in both English and Chinese mean nothing to the maids who will now try and clean my room at 7am trying to wake me up with muffled cries of 'nihao hosekeping.' If you ignore this they will then come in and walk around your room loudly trying to wake you up. If you ignore this they leave your door open until an alarm goes off and If you ignore this they finally leave but not before leaving you a note which says something along the lines of 'we didn't tidy your room today as you had a 'do not disturb' sign hanging up'. The fact is though I have been disturbed consecutively for two days in a row! However as I mentioned the maids work very hard and I guess get very little in the way of a wage in return so you let it go.

More importantly Happy New Year and I hope you all had a great Christmas. I was pretty uncertain what Christmas Day had in store for me but I was hoping for something along the lines of a bottle of wine, some Christmas movies and a dash of Nat King Cole carols. These hopes dwindled slightly with the arrival of my new Roommate Mark the smelly-stoner-boring-Canadian. But all was to change when I discovered that A and O were still in Beijing. They had delayed their flights to Tokyo to stay with friends in Beijing over Christmas and they'd invited me out on Christmas Eve for a few drinks in an Expat bar called 'The Nearby Tree.'

At this time I still didn't have a mobile so we arranged a place to meet and I jumped into a cab to meet them. Our plans were quite shabby I had a street name and was meant to walk down it and meet one of them down there. I jumped out of my cab and walked down a street full of bars and heard people speaking English for the first time in a few days. These mutterings were not those of Englishmen but Chinese men trying to entice me into their 'lady bars.'

Turning my Ipod up did little to drown out the shouts of 'pussy' and 'fanny' (sorry Mum). After walking up and down this street a few times my hopes of meeting A and O and their friends diminished. I eventually admitted defeat and gave up. Downtrodden I got in to a cab and headed back to my hostel.

Now a word of warning for any of you planning to visit Beijing the cab drivers here do not know where anything is so you have to guide them yourself. My driver was just about to go the wrong way so I pointed to my hostel he took his eyes off the road and we crashed. We went flying into a Bora in front off us. An argument ensued in the middle of a busy four lane road and I began to slip further and further down into my seat feeling wholly responsible for the collision. Fifteen minutes passed and I nervously got out of the cab. I tried to tip him feeling responsible for the crash (stupid Westerner) but he refused. It turns out this is a common occurrence in Beijing and when it happens you just vacate your cab and don't pay at all (stupid Westerner). Dejection soon passed though I jumped back in a cab and eventually met up with A and O and their friends.

A thoroughly enjoyable night followed we plugged in our Ipods and filled the bar with Christmas Carols. I also-very loudly-did a fantastic rendition of War is Over pretending to be Yoko Ono (hitting every key change perfectly) which to some may have been perceived as being a little close to the mark but my new acquaintances seemed to enjoy it and they very kindly invited me for Christmas the next day.

Christmas day was fantastic we had a whole turkey with all the trimmings followed by copious amounts of beer, sambuca and finally absinthe. The Chinese don't really recognise Christmas so the neighbours were not very appreciative of the noise we were making into the night (i think it was my very loud Yoko impression) and neither were the very scary state police when they came round and told us to shut up.

So very big thank you to Rosie and Luke for a great Christmas it was thoroughly enjoyed and a very kind gesture.

After the Christmas break and hazy hangovers had cleared I was off to school to start my course which was to only last for a few days. I think I left my mark. To my dismay just before I was about to give my first lesson to some students my flies decided to break on my trousers. An emergency safety pin was little help but saved me from complete embarrassment. It turns out I love teaching and even if I do say so myself I'm quite good at it too so it's a shame I'm having to come back home.

So in place of my school hours I have been trundling around the streets of Beijing sightseeing only to take a break for New Years Eve which was spent with Rosie, Luke, and Stu amongst others. Another memorable night with some unexplainable photos and free beer!

So by the way of sightseeing, I've seen most of the sights now. I'll pop all the pictures in my next (and possibly last) post. I thought I'd better get this one out asap it's been a while the bloggers block is starting to kick in. I'll leave with a word of warning to you all. If a food name is preceded by the word 'stinky' stay away!

The Adventures of Pointy Shoe Man

Now I don't know about you but whenever I have seen friend's pictures of the Great Wall they tend to be surrounded by tens of people on perfectly preserved walkways with spectacular views. Only the latter seemed to be the case during my visit.

I awoke the morning of our visit to the Great Wall with a sense of excitement that is usually reserved for children on Christmas Eve. O told me it had always been her lifelong dream to walk the Great Wall of China and with this sentiment in mind it struck me as to just how lucky I was to visit this masterpiece. Our minibus set off to our destination of Simatai about 80 miles outside of Beijing. It seems I have finally accustomed myself to the perilous driving skills of Chinese drivers and my nerves were distracted as I occupied myself by savouring a delicious provided sandwich. This sandwich seemed like food fit for a King after consistently living off a diet of rice and noodles but I digress...

As mountains began to spring up all around us dusted with snow I eagerly surveyed the hilltops to get my first glimpse of the Great Wall. It reminded me off the holidays we used to take to the Norfolk Broads when I was younger where the first person in the car to spot the Broads would shout it out and get a reward of 20p. It was probably best for my sake that I didn't even catch a glimpse of the Wall on the journey as shouting "I WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SEE THE GREAT WALL!" may have seemed a bit odd to the other tourists on our bus (especially the rude, annoying, selfish Americans-had to get that out my system) and I very much doubt there would have been a 20p reward for my efforts. As we vacated the bus and began our trek up the long and winding staircase to the top of the Wall we were followed by a horde of local Mongolian farmers trying to sell us all the tit bits they could manage to carry. When we reached the peak of the stairs the view that welcomed us was spectacular and this was just the beginning of our walk. The walk that was to last around four hours, the walk that was around 5.5km long and the walk that I had decided to wear my pointy shoes on. You may laugh but these shoes are warm and comfortable and after all the Wall has been reconstructed so it's safe and pleasant for travellers to walk-hasn't it? Um in a word, no!

Here comes the history....

The first part of the Wall we trekked had been restored 30 years ago therefore walking was easy. Pointy shoes 1-Great Wall of China 0. However this section of the Wall was to only last for a few paces and then we reached the untouched parts of the wall which are described as "perilous, narrow and steep." I trust I don't need to footnote my resources? The majority of this section of the wall was built during the Hongwu years (1368-1398) of the Ming Dynasty although apparently some other parts of the Great Wall appeared around 200BC. The wall was built to prevent Mongol invaders from attacking the Chinese territories and it is rumoured that inside the walls lie many of the peasants who were forced to construct the structure.

As we reached the untouched parts of the Wall my pointy shoes and University lifestyle were receiving their comeuppance. Gone was the easy to walk section which was replaced with crumbling, narrow and extremely steep drops and rises. But the scenery just became better and better the further we walked and all the effort was worth it. We finally managed to shake off the local farmers and their shouts of "Postcards Wall 5 Yaun! You Want T-Shirt?" were replaced with silence. We had this amazing Wonder of the World all to ourselves. Not a soul in sight just me, A and O and the howling of the wind.

Some time later we passed a farmer selling some beer, which after a hard fought haggle by A, we got at a reasonable price. Beer in hand we set off to find a spot where we could truly appreciate the beauty of our surroundings. After I took a bit of a wrong turn and fell out of a watch tower onto the cliff edge (I kept my cool-I think it was the shoes) which it transpired you were supposed to walk around, we found a perfect spot and rewarded ourselves by sipping our cold chrysanthemum beers listening to China Girl by David Bowie on my Ipod whilst admiring the views.

After walking the length of the Wall passing through 30 Watchtowers over 1000 metres high, seeing once in a lifetime views and feeling like the luckiest person in the world we reached the penultimate challenge of our journey-the swaying rickety wooden bridge crossing over a valley. After this we zip lined down the mountains back to where we started. It was safe to say although the Great Wall had won the Battle my shoes had won the war!

So there you have it the Great Wall. Another thing crossed off my list, a day that I shall remember for the rest of my life.

Due to the internet being so unreliable in China I'm unable to post any pictures up but they are all up on my facebook page if you do so wish to take a peek.

For those of you who know me well you are sure aware of my disgust of McDonald's and it is with great shame that I have to inform you all that after a drunken night of debauchery I bought some goods from a Beijing McDonalds. However I have not completely rested on my laurels. Technically they are not McDonald's here they are Mr Lees and also I only bought some type of horrible spirit of which all I can decipher from the label is its from Beijing and 56%. Suffice to say I wont make a repeat purchase it is horrendous.

So at the time of writing William, A and O have all left the hostel and I would just like to say what a fantastic time I had with you all and how thankful I am that I was able to meet you! And on that note I bid you all farewell. More study lies ahead and tonight my new roommate Chang (a Malaysian teacher of English) is taking me to a Wal-Mart where I hope to find some coffee and flip flops.

If you do not hear from me before, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and assure you I will be jealously thinking of you all tucking into your roast potatoes and homemade sausage rolls.

Wonewy?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. My previous post was written after a whisky fuelled, good old fashioned, sulk as I thought I had just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. A mere twenty minutes after posting my blog I went to brush my teeth, passed the bar and heard some voices, more to the point, some English voices. I brushed my teeth and formulated a plan as to how I would make conversation without looking like some drunken wonewy English loser. (I may be thousands of miles from home but I still have my pride!) This all went out the window when I went over I think I may have said something like “Thank God you’re British I’m all alone and scared.” Nevertheless, it worked and my thoughts and worries about my big move disappeared as we threw back the Beijing beers and exchanged our initial experiences of China. All of a sudden things seemed so less overwhelming the fact that hours earlier I was trying to dodge spit, accustom myself to the squatting toilets and attempting to communicate using my near non-existent Mandarin was no longer an issue. “China is going to be a breeze” I thought to myself and if things couldn’t get any better I’d found ‘proper’ toilets.

The following evening I heard more English voices whilst I was in my room. I darted out and used the same bumbling tactic that had put me in good stead the previous night. “Are you English?” Sure enough they were and this is where A and O enter my story. (They wish to remain anonymous as they are on their own blog. This is, no doubt, due to the dirty little escapades they have got up to whilst travelling the world such as, getting leeches stuck to their lady gardens and meeting frivolous men in Jordan.)

The first impression I gave them couldn’t have been worse. After my desperate greeting I turned round and smashed my head on an Asian friendly, but alas not Western friendly low ceiling. It would seem this making-a-fool-out-of-myself-to-make-new-friends manouvere was working quite well. We headed to the bar, red wine in tow and chatted the night away. Drunkenly stumbling back to my room I got into bed. Moments later William, my as of yet, first room mate walked in. I clambered out of bed just in my boxers and insisted we drink more Whisky and that he come with me, A and O to the Forbidden City and Tiananmen Square the next day. Another great first Impression to add to the list.

The picture to the right that you can see is the main entrance to the Forbidden City known as Tiananmen gate or the gate of heavenly peace. The portrait is of Chairman Mao who declared the founding of the People’s Republic of China. The photos I took really do not give justice to the grandeur and sheer scale of the Forbidden City it truly was awesome. The city was built in 1419 and was the residence of the Emperor. Locals were denied entry and until very recently the whole city lay abandoned slowly falling into disrepair. A little bit of history for you there which I'm sure shall continue its way throughout the postings of my blogs.

Tiananmen Square was next on our list. I have managed to refrain from crudely inserting a tank next to any pictures of myself. You cant't help but feel dwarfed due to the sheer size of the Communist architecture. There wasn't much to visit when we arrived. Parliament was holding congress so we were not alowed in, the Mao Zedong Mausoleum was also shut and the Museum of China is shut until 2010. Still a must see though and I shall return to visit them all.

That evening me, William and A and O gandered down to the famous Night Market otherwise known colloquially as: "Digusting assortment of things on sticks Market." Where else could you get worms, lamb testicles, scorpions, locusts, snake and strawberries all on one stall? My stomach wasnt as brave as I thought it would be and it seemed that the insects were off limits. The goo that oozed out of the worm cocoons looked thoroughly disgusting and in no way appetising so I gave that a miss but I did try some lambs ball and snake....Lets just say I don't think they will be coming to a Tescos Express anytime soon. There is a really funny video of us sampling the local delicacies on my Facebook page if you desire to watch us in action. An early night followed as the following day was the greatly anticipated Great Wall Trek...And there for now is where I shall leave it as I really should start to do some studying for my course. It seems in hindsight I may have been a little too impatient with China but I am starting to feel like I have made one of the best decisions of my life!

I'll leave you with a pictures of some of the items on offer at the Night Market and a very confusing sign outside the Forbidden Temple.

From Humble Beginnings

Brutal honesty and frankness lies ahead those who are of a sensitive disposition should not read on...................


As my flight veered off this morning little did I know what things lay in store for me upon my arrival in Beijing. We shall gloss over the new born babies incessant screaming throughout the whole duration of the flight, the omelet/placenta dinner, the man behind me whose continuous use of his camera taking pictures at any given opportunity sounded like what I'd imagine robots in labour sound like and the god awful on board entertainment (a Chinese women bought some shoes then went crazy climbed a tree with a goat, fell as did the goat, slapped her son....then i fell asleep...oh and Wimbledon).

Anyway upon my arrival I decided to get a cab thinking this would be much easier than a bus. I Nihoa'd my driver and asked for him to take me to Beijingzhan street where my hostel is. I eventually realised that he had no idea where Beijingzhan street due to his screaming at a women down the telephone whilst driving and swerving lanes but this is the norm it seems for driving in Beijing. You swerve and beep when necessary and pray to god you arrive in one piece. Bus would have cost 16RMB cab cost 100RMB.

With all that behind me and a sigh of relief I finally arrive at the hostel and check in. Sadly my 4 bed room is a tad bit weathered and nothing like the advertised pictures. I thought this may all be overlooked by the fact I could meet up with some people have a drink see some sights, banter, japes etc. However there's not a soul here and it seems there's unlikely to be anyone here until after xmas so I'm home alone in Beijing.


But all that aside us British must maintain a strong upper lip and that's precisely what I intend to do. Tomorrow I explore! I'm thinking the Forbidden City first or perhaps see the raising of the Chinese flag in Tiananmen Square and the singing of their national anthem. Despite a pretty poor start to my adventure things can only get better. Oh did I mention the toilets in my hostel???

This is a squat toilet no toilet roll is provided but they do provide you with a bin for your tissue.
Hope that you are all OK back at home thinking of you all.


Craig